Jonathan Davies (Rugby): I must be mad. Why am I doing this? It's all too physical. There's no room for the skilful little guys! Still, I've been practising my dips on the bannisters back home. Just watch me go. Its my specialist event. Magic. If this was It's a Knockout I would play the joker and go for double points. When are they bringing that back?John Barnes (Football): I'm still looking for some swimming trunks that fit. Actually I'm OK at swimming until I have to breathe. How do they do that? Have you got your karaoke act sorted for the party yet, Jiffy? Let me guess, Tom Jones and Delilah? The organisers are paying me big money not to sing World in Motion. Did I ever tell you that went top 10? Top of the Pops, the works. They don't produce records like that any more do they?

John Regis (Athletics): Thank God! OK guys, huddle around for a minute. Some advice from an old bugger who has been here before. The trick is, under no circumstances, to win - otherwise you have to enter the main competition later on and you will be completely knackered and have to stay off the pop. I'm too old for this lark but my wife says it helps keep my weight down. Thank God they've introduced the shot put. That's my kind of event these days.

Barry McGuigan (Boxing): Speak for yourself John - do I look like a shot putter? I'm so ancient-looking these days old ladies offer to help me across the road. I'm just looking forward to meeting Amir Khan when we are finished and seeing what the lad is made of.

Tim Foster (Rowing): Hi guys! I'm one of the blokes who used to row with Steve and Matt. It's all right, nobody ever remembers our names, it comes with the territory. I have never been so nervous as this, though. I've had two major back ops and a vet would have put me down by now. I might be the youngest here but I am the most knackered. Whose round is it?

Bryan Robson (Football): My shout. Of course we've heard of you - you're the long-haired student bloke, the stylist who made them all look good and kept everything running neat and tidy. Am I right? I'd run you close on the injury stakes, Tim. We ought to compare scars: I once had three broken legs in a year at West Brom, not to mention busted shoulders, dislocated collarbones, torn Achilles and ripped groins at Manchester United. You name it, I've broken it. And another thing - my ankle is swelling up as we talk. I should be sponsored by Bupa.

Martin Offiah (Rugby): Saga more like, Robbo. In fact they should do us as a job lot. The trouble with being a rugby player is that everybody remembers Andy Ripley and Keith Fielding and expects us to do well. I wasn't really fit last year but, what with Strictly Come Dancing, I'm OK this time around. I can't believe how tough that show was. The weight just dropped off. Ellery, you were always a good mover on the dance floor, you doing the next series?

Ellery Hanley (Rugby): No way. Now tell me something. And you Jiffy - you were both union chaps before we lured you north. Why all this fuss about Clive Woodward's 'revolutionary' approach with England and the Lions? What's all that about? Manchester United and Wigan were there 20 years ago with all their attention to detail and scientific application to training. That's why they were champions. All Clive has done is bring rugby union into the real professional world.

Jonathan Davies: You're probably right, Ellery, but back to the subject in hand. What are we doing here? We are deep in the manure, boys. How are we going to bluff this one out and look like superstars? Why did they stop the programme when we were fit and in our pomp? Still, watch me go in the dips. Barman…?

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